Are you helping an older loved one - an aging parent or spouse? You are not alone; our educational support group can help.

Dates:	Third Wednesday Each Month
Time:	6:30 PM to 7:30 PM
Location:	Prestige Assisted Living 4792 Lakeview Avenue Yorba Linda, CA (714) 693-5368
Facilitator:	Donna M. Minor, LCSW
Information:	(714) 970-7237

A variety of topics will be discussed including:

• Preventing stress and burnout
• How to decrease feelings of guilt and frustration
• Tools for challenging negative thinking
• Enhancing relationships with the older adult
• Understanding the physical and emotional impact of aging
• Coping with role reversal
• Communication with the memory impaired person
• The significance of grief and loss in the aging process
• Finding resources that can help

For more information about Donna and her work, please click here.

Donna M. Minor, LCSW, Health & Aging Services

Why do I feel so sad?

If you are someone who considers your pet to be a beloved friend or family member, then you will most likely feel the intense sadness that accompanies the thought of losing a dear friend. Intense grief over the loss of your pet is completely normal. The emotions you are feeling are only natural considering the bond you had with your pet.

Your pet was a significant part of your life, a source of comfort, companionship, fun, acceptance and unconditional love. It is no surprise that you would feel devastated by the loss of such a special relationship.

People who don’t understand the bond that a person can have with their pet, are probably not going to understand your pain. They may try to tell you that it is silly or overly sentimental to grieve for your pet. This is absolutely not true. Millions of pet owners have experienced feelings just like yours. You have a right to feel and react to your loss in any way that seems natural for you.

What can I do?

Being honest with yourself about how you are feeling is an important first step. People experience grief in different ways. You may feel numb, guilty, angry, or sad. Most people experience all of these feelings at some time throughout the grieving process. It does not help to deny your pain. By acknowledging and coming to terms with your feelings, you will begin the healing process.

If your family and friends are pet lovers, they will understand how you feel. Talking about what your pet meant to you and how you feel about your loss is important. Find someone you feel comfortable sharing deep feelings with, someone who you can cry with. Working through your feelings with another person is one of the best ways to release emotions and is an important step in helping you move through the grieving process.

Expressing your feelings through writing about your pet in poems, stories or letters is also helpful for many grieving pet owners. A personalized ritual or ceremony to memorialize your pet will also help to bring closure.

What do I tell the children?

A child is never too young to experience feelings of grief or loss. A child’s response to the death of a pet may vary depending on their age and their relationship with the pet. Never criticize your child for expressing feelings about the loss. Children’s feelings during grieving will include anger, sadness, guilt or even indifference. These are all normal reactions and need to be validated to help your child proceed through the grieving process.

It is important to be honest with your child. Do not try to hide your own sorrow or your child may feel obligated to hide their feelings as well. Discuss the loss of your pet openly and encourage your child to share positive memories of your pet. Avoid using confusing euphemisms such as your pet “went away” or was “put to sleep.” These can cause anxiety and fear in children about “going to sleep” themselves and never waking up or worry that they did something to cause their pet to “go away.” If your child seems to be unusually upset, is having difficulty sleeping or concentrating in school, or is acting out in a way that is not typical, it would be a good idea to seek advice from a professional counselor.

It is usually best to allow sufficient time for the family to grieve before introducing a new pet to your home. A new pet will become an important and much loved part of the family, but it will not replace the pet you have lost.

Can counseling help?

A pet loss counselor is someone who will respect your right to feel pain and grief over the loss of your pet. She will understand the significance of your loss and the intensity of your feelings about the relationship you had with your pet. Bereavement counseling or short-term solution focused counseling can provide the comfort and support you need to help you through the grieving process.

If you need more help to resolve your grief than your friends or family can provide, then it is a good idea to seek the help of a professional counselor. She can help you understand your feelings and be there as a caring listener who supports you through your journey of grief.

Ignoring your feelings will not make them go away. Unresolved grief is known to be harmful, and can contribute to more serious episodes of depression, anxiety and ill health. Your Veterinarian may be able to give you a referral to a pet loss counselor in your area.

About Donna

Donna M. Minor is a licensed Clinical Social Worker in private practice in Yorba Linda, California. She is licensed by the Board of Behavioral Science and holds a degree in clinical social work and geriatrics. Donna completed the research for her Master’s Thesis, Bereavement Due to Loss of a Pet, by surveying volunteer research participants from Yorba Linda who had recently lost a pet. Her study of the human animal bond and specialized training in grief counseling provide the basis for helping clients successfully move through the bereavement process following the loss of a special pet. Donna is one of only a few therapists who have experience with pet loss counseling. She also helps clients cope with pre-loss issues and provides support in making difficult decisions related to a pet’s failing health and quality of life.

Donna’s love for animals began with her childhood pets that included birds, dogs, cats, ducks, rabbits, lambs and more. Donna has been involved in numerous pet organizations since 1978. Her Australian Terrier, Christy, is a pet therapy dog who has warmed the hearts of many elderly people recovering in hospitals and residing in nursing homes.

Coping With Your Difficult Aging Parent

• Learn to identify Toxic Agers. They are impossible-to-please elders whose negativity and passive aggressive behavior is like a poison that can devastate family members.
• Develop ways to manage the guilt, anger and frustration that are so often a part of these relationships.
• Identify strategies for resisting toxic game playing and learn stress-busting survival techniques for dealing with impossible-to-please agers.
• Discover new approaches for improving communication and setting healthy limits, and find ways to allow love to heal the effects of damaged, hurtful relationships.
• Find peace of mind and learn how to reclaim joy, love and happiness.

Dates:	First Wednesday Each Month
Time:	7:00 PM to 8:00 PM
Location:	Park Plaza Retirement Community 620 S Glassell Orange, CA
Facilitator:	Donna M. Minor, LCSW
Information:	(714) 970-7237

]]> http://www.thecomputerwhiz.com/portfolio/HAS/?feed=rss2&p=19 http://www.thecomputerwhiz.com/portfolio/HAS/?p=18 http://www.thecomputerwhiz.com/portfolio/HAS/?p=18#comments Sat, 06 May 2006 22:49:15 +0000 Donna Support Groups http://has.selfip.org:8888/dev/has/wp/?p=18

Are you helping an older loved one - an aging parent or spouse? You are not alone; our educational support group can help!

Dates:	First Tuesday Each Month
Time:	6:00 PM to 7:00 PM
Location:	Villa de Palma 351 East Palm Drive Placentia, CA
Facilitator:	Donna M. Minor, LCSW
Information:	(714) 970-7237

A variety of topics will be discussed including:

• Preventing stress and burnout
• How to decrease feelings of guilt and frustration
• Tools for challenging negative thinking
• Enhancing relationships with the older adult
• Understanding the physical and emotional impact of aging
• Identifying and coping with “toxic aging”
• Coping with role reversal
• Communication with the memory impaired person
• The significance of grief and loss in the aging process
• Finding resources that can help

Do you think that being depressed is a normal part of growing older?

Depression is no more likely to occur in older people than in the young. Precipitating factors of late life depression include grief and loss, pain, chronic illness, caregiving, loss of independence and previous history of depression. Older adults usually minimize their symptoms of depression, describing themselves as “a little blue,” “feeling down,” or “a bit sad.”

Symptoms that usually indicate a possible depressive disorder in an older person are:

• Isolation and social withdrawal
• Loss of interest in life and activities once enjoyed
• Feelings of hopelessness or helplessness about the future
• Feelings of uselessness
• Difficulty concentrating
• Feeling restless or irritable
• Sense of emptiness
• Thoughts of death or suicide

Sometimes, older people do not express any of the above symptoms. Instead, they experience depression through a variety of physical complaints. This is especially true of people with cultural backgrounds that do not acknowledge unpleasant emotions. Physical complaints that might be symptoms of depression include:

• Disruption of the sleep-wake cycle
• Change in appetite
• Fatigue
• Crying spells
• Reduced verbal or motor expressiveness
• Neglecting activities of daily living
• Misuse of alcohol or medications

Many cases of depression in older adults are due to changes or losses in late life. Losses can multiply faster than an elder has time to adjust to. For some older adults, it often seems like the next set of changes enters their lives before they have completely adjusted to the last set of changes. These can include grief over loss of family, friends, or pets, changes in health or ability to care for oneself, and loss of independence due to change in driving status or change in residence, or disability. Depression often occurs as a by-product of an older person’s inability to manage these rapidly occurring and sometimes unacknowledged losses. Some studies have suggested that untreated depression may play a role in later life dementia.

Depression cannot be treated without the help of a professional. Depression will not “go away” on its own. When treated by a health care professional, 80%-90% of all people with depression respond to treatment. Some forms of treatment that have proven to be effective are:

• Brief solution-focused psychotherapy
• Cognitive-behavioral therapy
• Interpersonal therapy
• Medications that regulate serotonin, a natural brain chemical needed for healthy brain function

In some cases, it may be possible to prevent depression. Some easy to follow suggestions are:

• Increase your serotonin level by eating more complex carbohydrates earlier in the day and protein rich foods later in the day and evening.
• Eat tryptophan rich, protein foods like turkey.
• Increase your physical activity. Twenty minutes of aerobic exercise daily has been shown to help increase serotonin levels.
• Spend more time outdoors. Exposure to sunlight stimulates serotonin levels.
• Avoid sugar, refined carbohydrates; caffeine and alcoholic beverages that can cause a sharp drop in blood sugar, which can contribute to mood swings.
• Reduce worrying and stress by using a daily relaxation technique such as deep breathing, meditation, prayer, Ti Chi or Yoga.
• Talk things out with an understanding counselor or support group before the changes and losses begin to snowball.

If you think that you or your loved one may be experiencing symptoms of depression, do not hesitate to consult a licensed mental health professional experienced in diagnosing and treating older adults. Early diagnosis and treatment of depression can prevent unnecessary suffering and reduce the risk of suicide or other negative health consequences.

There are many complicated concerns that can cloud the issues of elder care. One of the greatest concerns for adult children regarding their aging parents is their parent’s physical safety and emotional comfort. Concerns about an aging parent driving, falling, neglecting their nutrition and health, refusing to go to doctors and misusing medications or alcohol are among the top concerns.

When a family has these concerns, they can begin by educating themselves about the aging process. For instance, it is important to learn what is normal aging and what might need to come to the attention of a doctor or social worker. Reading books or searching the web will be a good way to begin your education about the aging process. Attending support groups and workshops are also very helpful. Consulting with an aging specialist, for example, an elder care consultant, geriatric care manager or psychotherapist with geriatric training, is the fastest and most effective way to get help. Professionals who specialize in issues related to aging can be extremely helpful because they have training, experience and knowledge of community resources. Their assistance can relieve a great deal of the stress that busy families are facing when it comes to helping aging parents.

A professional will usually begin working with a family by doing a comprehensive assessment of the aging parent to determine their current needs and make suggestions about services that will help maintain independence. Based on the information they obtain, they will also forecast what future needs might arise and help the family in making long-term plans to facilitate future care needs. With input from the family, the consultant will develop an organized care plan that will be easy for the family to follow. This plan should be flexible and be adjusted, as care needs change.

Health, safety, quality of life and dignity for the older adult take first priority in a professionally developed care plan. Issues including home safety, personal care, transportation, medical treatment and finances are taken into consideration. Social, cultural and spiritual needs are also addressed. A good care plan will include recommendations and referrals to both private and non-profit agencies in the local community. It is important to find an advisor who is compassionate and will advocate for the best possible care for your parent.

Some families only need resources and a plan, but others simply do not have time to take on the responsibility of caring for an aging parent. There are many reason’s for this but usually, the parent lives too far away or job and family circumstances just do not allow the family enough time to make the arrangements and follow-up themselves. This is especially true for what we call the “sandwich generation,” people who are still raising kids, working on careers and trying to find time to help aging parents.

An elder care consultant’s responsibilities will vary depending on what the families needs are. Services might range anywhere from doing the assessment, care plan and referrals, to actually implementing and managing the care plan. This could involve interfacing with individuals and agencies like medical doctors, home care providers, adult day care centers, transportation and home delivered meals. A family might request that the care consultant handle hiring, staffing and monitoring the service providers and professional caregivers. In this case the care advisor would report back to the family on a regular basis. This can really save time and frustration for a busy person because they only have to communicate with one professional instead of many individuals or go through the red tape and long waiting lists of public agencies.

It is important to look into the training and experience of the person you are considering consulting. Some colleges offer certificate programs for geriatric care managers, but that does not insure that the person will be qualified. An effective aging advisor or geriatric care manager should have at least a masters level degree in social work, gerontology, psychology or counseling plus specialized training and at least three years experience working with older adults. Gerontologists, social workers, psychologists, marriage and family therapists or licensed clinical social workers that have specialized training in the field of aging may all meet these requirements.

It is important to remember that aging is a natural process. You can help the older adult adjust to changes in health, status and ability, but you can’t do it for them. Trying to shelter a parent from the normal changes that come with aging is impossible. Many family members become exhausted and stressed out worrying and caring for their aging parent. They can develop anxiety, depression and other dangerous stress related disorders. Sadly, 40 percent of caregivers die before the person they are taking care of. I suggest that family members take the time to educate themselves and consult with a professional. Learn what normal aging is and what to do if there is a problem. Problems with older adults usually do not get better without some type of intervention. There are workshops, support groups and professional agencies that can provide information and assistance.

Self-injury has more to do with a person’s emotional state and how they feel about themselves than it does about the people around them. Try not to take it personally if someone you care about is injuring themselves. Self-injury may be a way to deal with emotional pain and is usually not an attempt at suicide, although some self-injurers do become depressed and may be at risk for attempting suicide. If left untreated, self-injury will become progressively worse and will lead to physical health complications including serious infections. It is extremely important that a self-injurer be evaluated by a licensed mental health professional to rule out clinical depression or suicidal intentions. There is no need for the self-injurer to go on suffering because treatment is available.

Signs to look for:

• Isolating from family and friends
• Reading about self-injury
• Talking to friends in person or on t he Internet about self-injury
• Wearing long sleeved shirt
• Finding razors, pins, lighters, knives or broken glass in unexpected places
• Taking long baths if out of the ordinary
• Finding unexplained blood on tissue or clothing
• Picking at scabs so that they do not heal
• Unexplained cuts or burns especially on wrists thighs or upper arms
• Difficulty expressing painful emotions
• Poor grades in school (if out of the ordinary)
• Talking about friends who self injure
• Creating art or poetry depicting self-injury, blood or pain
• Feeling of depression, hopelessness, discouragement

If you are concerned about a loved one who may be injuring themselves, contact Health & Aging Services for more information and a referral to a mental health professional who specializes in treatment for self-injurers. Our caring, compassionate, licensed therapists are on hand to answer your questions and support you and your loved ones in achieving your wellness goals.

A Nightmare or a Challenge
for Professionals and Adult Children

Definition: An anomaly of aging, toxicity is referred to here as a fixated, character development maladaptation that becomes a consuming negative energy of Victim consciousness and contagious to anyone susceptible to it’s psychological toxin. Imprisoned by fear and a self-poisoning perceptual pattern of thinking, feeling, and behaving there is an unconscious sense of unworthiness and self-pity.

Manifestation: Presenting as verbal and emotional abuse, toxic behavior literally sucks the energy from anyone susceptible to its psychological game playing. Unless symptoms are advanced, they are generally hidden from the public where toxics can act with charm and warmth. Within families, the toxic’s unacknowledged fear and distrust often explode into displaced anger and defensive projections. Negative strokes and a false sense of safety are skillfully attained through control, passive-aggressive manipulation, incessant complaining and fault-finding, and martyrdom, leaving toxics totally absolved of any responsibility for their own behavior. Adult children feel as if they can never do anything right.

Cause: Rooted in non-nurturing early childhood environments, true toxics never learned to love themselves or others. Not knowing or understanding their feelings, they lack the social skills necessary to appropriately express themselves or ask for what they need or want. The result? Destructive ineffective interactions with others.

Occurrence: Psychological toxicity is found at all ages. However, following the “more so” theory, it usually becomes more dysfunctional when elders lose their sense of power, position and control. Being vulnerable is not tolerable.

Complications: When presented in combination with other conditions such as depression, mental illness; dementia, alcoholism, or chemical abuses. Toxicity can muddle an accurate diagnosis. Symptoms are co-mingled and misleading. Treatment is resisted.

Treatment: Traditional treatment is unprofitable, unreasonably time consuming, and frustrating. Most help is rejected. Careproviding becomes all consuming and demanding. Key is for professionals to work closely with the caregiver to form a mutually coordinated service system with boundaries around the toxic. Communication must be loving, but firm, demonstrating self-confident strength and a calm steadfastness through body language, tone of voice, and presence. Knowledge of how to shift your initial perception of the toxic and the situation, stop the game playing and be alert for possible counter-transference, is critical.

Note: No effort with toxics will be effective if case workers, careproviders, or family members are burned-out, discouraged, and resentful. Taking care of yourself is crucial. Daily self-nurturing is mandatory. Otherwise, you are a target, and you become the Victim.

And, a Reminder: All toxics are difficult, but not all difficult people are toxic.

Coping with Toxic Older Adults

A growing number of families are facing the challenge of helping older parents while juggling families and careers. While many seniors are aging successfully, a small number are making life hellish for their “Sandwich Generation” children. A toxic ager can be described as one who indulges in endless complaining, constant fault-finding and behavior that ranges from unreasonable to outrageous. Impossible to please, the angry ager can be excessively negative, critical and demanding. Around their families, they are passive-aggressive, discounting and vindictive. Their distrust of others and hidden fear of losing control can cause them to explode into displaced anger and even rage.

Following an episode of elder rage, the angry ager will often believe that they are the victim and feel justified in blaming others for their situation. They take no responsibility for their actions, and filled with self-pity, they perceive themselves as martyred. It is theorized that their distorted perceptions are rooted in their lack of nurturing during childhood. As children, toxic agers were not allowed express their feelings. They never learned to trust or to love themselves or others. Many of these children are able to overcome their early childhood deprivations and become well functioning adults that are capable of meaningful, loving relationships. Others, however, remain trapped in a mind set of victim consciousness, preferring to keep themselves isolated in the mistaken belief that it will make them feel safe and in control.

This unfortunate condition leaves family members of the angry ager in a constant state of emotional upheaval. The manipulation and psychological game playing that the angry ager is master of can leave an adult child feeling drained of energy, frustrated and stressed out.

Tips for Coping with Angry Agers

1. Stop expecting your parent to change. They most likely don’t think there is anything wrong with the way they act.
2. Change the way you think about your situation. By shifting your perceptions and thinking of your parent the way you would a client or acquaintance you will be able to avoid getting hooked into psychological games.
3. Detach emotionally. Accept that your parent is not able to meet your emotional needs.
4. Learn game-stopping techniques. Attend workshops, counseling, or read self-help books.
5. Use positive affirmations and self-talk to prevent yourself from becoming negative or toxic.
6. Use respectful, assertive communication when talking to your parent and ask them to do the same.
7. Set healthy boundaries for yourself and your parent. Know when to take a breather from the situation to take care of your own needs.
8. Learn stress management techniques and use them daily.
9. Develop a support system of people who understand and care about you.
10. Practice daily wellness and self-nurturing by getting adequate rest, nutrition and relaxation. A daily dose of humor will go a long way in relieving the stress of coping with an angry ager.

Reference: Toxic Agers: They Never Learned to Love, Gloria Davenport, PhD.

L: Donna, what do you see as the greatest concern for adult children regarding their aging parents or other relatives?

D: There are many complicated concerns that can cloud the issues of elder care. But they are mostly concerned about their parent’s physical and emotional safety and comfort. There are concerns about the aging parent driving, falling, neglecting their nutrition and health, refusing to go to doctors and refusing to take medications.

L: When adult children have these concerns what can they do?

D: They can begin by educating themselves about the aging process, for instance, what is normal aging and what might need to come to the attention of a doctor or social worker. There are some good books about helping aging parents. Attending support groups and workshops are especially helpful. Consulting with an aging specialist such as a counselor or an elder (geriatric) care consultant is the fastest and most effective way to get help because they have training, experience and knowledge of resources.

L: What kinds of help could an elder care consultant provide for a family?

D: These specialists will do a comprehensive assessment to determine the current needs and forecast future needs of the older person. They develop an organized care plan that is easy for the family to follow.

L: What do you mean, “care plan?”

D: Health, safety, quality of life and dignity for the older adult take first priority in a professionally developed care plan. Issues including home safety, personal care, transportation, medical treatment and finances are taken into consideration. Social, cultural and spiritual needs are also addressed. A good care plan will include recommendations and referrals to both private and non-profit agencies in the local community. It is important to find a consultant who is compassionate and will advocate for the best possible care for their clients.

L: Can you give me a specific example of what an elder care consultant might do for a family?

D: Yes, an elder care consultant’s responsibilities might range anywhere from doing the assessment, care plan and referrals, to actually implementing and managing the care plan. This would involve interfacing with individuals and agencies like medical doctors, home care providers, adult day care centers, transportation and home delivered meals. This could include hiring, staffing and monitoring the care providers and reporting back to the family on a regular basis. It really saves time and frustration for a busy person because they only have to communicate with one professional instead of many individuals or go through the red tape of public agencies.

L: Do families really need and want this type of service?

D: Yes, some families only need resources and a plan, but others simply do not have time to take on the responsibility of caring for an aging parent. There are many reason’s for this but usually, the parent lives too far away or job and family circumstances just do not allow the family enough time to make the arrangements and follow-up themselves. This is especially true for what we call the sandwich generation, people who are still raising kids, working on careers and trying to find time to help aging parents.

L: Are adult children concerned about the integrity or reliability of these elder care mangers?

D: Well, yes there is some concern, as anyone can call himself or herself an elder care consultant or geriatric care manger. It is important to look into the training and experience of the person you are considering consulting. Some colleges offer certificate programs for geriatric care managers, but that does not insure that the person will be qualified. An effective elder/geriatric care manager should have at least a masters level degree in social work, gerontology, psychology or counseling plus specialized training and at least three years experience working with older adults. Gerontologists, social workers, psychologists, marriage and family therapists or licensed clinical social workers that have specialized training may all meet these requirements.

L: Donna, from your experience working with older adults and their families, what would you say is the most important thing for people who are helping aging adults to know?

D: Provide assistance and emotional support, but do not try to do everything for them. Only do what they absolutely cannot do for themselves. This may seem harsh, but most aging adults are trying to manage the changes of aging while holding on to their independence. It is essential to help them remain as independent as possible to preserve their dignity and self- esteem. Of course, this does not mean standing by passively if your parent is unsafe or struggling. Then you must intervene. If your parent needs help and resists your assistance, definitely seek help from a professional.

L: Sometimes as older adults age they can be very difficult to deal with. What do you call this experience?

D: Well, the term I use for aging adults who become excessively emotionally difficult is toxic ager. A toxic ager is an angry, fearful person, although at first glance this may be difficult to recognize. They are negative, critical, demanding and impossible to please with their family and caregivers; but they can be convincingly charming when interacting with professionals like doctors and social workers.
L: What effect does this have on the families of toxic agers?

D: As toxic agers get older they can become a huge emotional drain on the family. They may call five to ten times a day seeking attention and demanding that their needs be met immediately regardless of what their adult child is doing. Sometimes they become paranoid and indulge in obsessive fantasies that someone is “out to take advantage of them.” These are also people who are sometimes very possessive and attached to their belongings. Some toxic agers have been known to have a history of hoarding, which is a problem of excessive collecting and saving things or animals to the point that it interferes with day-to-day life.

L: How do you find caregivers for Toxic Agers?

D: This can be very difficult. Toxic Agers feel that the world should revolve around them. They are very insensitive to the needs of others. They often engage in splitting staff at a facility or pitting family members against each other so they can gain leverage for the manipulative games they play. They can jangle the nerves of the most patient caregivers and may even get kicked out of their residential care facility. One facility got so frustrated with the severe outbursts of one of their resident toxic agers that they sent her to a psychiatric hospital for evaluation and treatment. When it was time for her to come back, the facility refused to take her. As far as the family is concerned, it is important to hope for the best upon placement; but be careful not to get drawn in if your toxic ager tries to turn you and the staff against each other. If the Toxic Ager becomes frustratingly unworkable, don’t personalize it. Try to detach emotionally from the games and think of the “toxic” as you would a difficult co-worker or customer.

L: What can adult children do to help themselves cope with these challenges?

D: It is important they learn how to set healthy limits for themselves and their loved one. They must avoid getting hooked into the games that toxic agers thrive on. Calm, assertive, direct communication is the best approach. Using “I” statements and avoiding accusations is helpful. For example, a statement starting with “I would like it if you…” works better than “You are always doing … just to upset me.” Also, working with a professional consultant or counselor is very helpful.

L: Is it difficult to find information and counselors that can help with this problem?

D: Yes it is. Unfortunately, not many professionals know what toxic aging is or how to treat it. There are only two books written on the subject that I know of, both written by a very good friend of mine, Dr. Gloria Davenport. Actually, you cannot do much to treat a toxic ager because they don’t think there is a thing wrong with them. It is the family members who really suffer and fortunately, there is help for them by way of counseling and support groups.

L: Does medication ever complicate this issue?

D: Yes. The bodies of older people are more sensitive to medication. Alcohol can also be a problem since as the body ages it is no longer able to tolerate the level of drinking a younger person can tolerate. Combining alcohol with medications is risky business that can result in serious injury or death. Falls are often dangerous and more likely to occur when mixing alcohol and medications. Self-medication becomes a problem when the older adult becomes depressed or anxious and tries to comfort themselves with non- prescribed medications or alcohol. The death of a spouse or long-term caregiving can be a precipitating factor in some cases. It is also very easy for older people who are in constant pain to become addicted to pain medications. It is important to determine if the medication or alcohol misuse is masking symptoms of a serious depression or anxiety disorder since a professional can easily treat these.

L: What about older individuals with Alzheimer’s or dementia. Are they ever toxic?

D: If the toxic ager has Alzheimer’s or some other form of dementia it may be difficult to determine if their behavior is caused by the dementia or the toxicity. It would be important to determine if dementia is present because once the brain loses it’s ability to remember you will need to use different interventions to help that person. Some of these individuals become very aggressive and are difficult to cope with. In other cases, the person with dementia actually becomes more passive as the disease progresses and toxic personality traits may no longer be present.

L: How do Toxic Agers do around young children?

D: This can be very complicated. Toxic agers seem to have no deep attachments to people, even grandchildren. They are rather narcissistic in that they feel that they are the only important person in their world. They sometimes even show jealousy of a little child who is getting attention, and may make a comment like “She’s not that cute!” There is an infantile narcissism present and no one else’s needs, concerns, time or inconvenience are recognized or differed to. It can be exceptionally confusing to younger children when they are around an adult who acts this way.

L: Do long-standing personality traits diminish as one ages?

D: No, in fact they seem to be amplified. Depression, anxiety, isolation, poor health and multiple losses experienced by the older person can exacerbate these traits. As they lose their independence they become even more fearful and angry.

L: So, if these difficult traits may even get worse, how do adult children keep from personalizing what a toxic ager may say or do?

D: It is important to remember that aging is a natural process. You can help the older adult adjust to changes in health, status and ability, but you can’t do it for them. Trying to shelter a parent from the normal changes that come with aging is impossible. Many family members become exhausted and stressed out worrying and caring for their aging parent. They can develop anxiety, depression and other dangerous stress related disorders. Sadly, 40 percent of caregivers die before the person they are taking care of. I suggest that family members take the time to educate themselves and consult with a professional. Learn what normal aging is and what to do if there is a problem. Problems with older adults usually do not get better without some type of intervention. There are workshops, support groups and professional agencies that can provide information and assistance.

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